I Don't Hate Myself Anymore

I have never liked myself. I've sometimes felt pride in my musical abilities or when I've helped someone with my bodywork skills. Sometimes I've layered on the makeup, taken multiple selfies and tried to convince myself that I feel beautiful. 

But, I've still always struggled with liking myself. 

I've struggled with my weight since I was old enough to understand what it meant to be skinny vs. fat. I've always had a gut pouch below my belly button. I always considered myself fat because of that. It was just a fact of life. No one tried to convince me otherwise. 

No one ever called me beautiful either. 

So, I never really learned to like myself.  

My life has been full of ups and downs and even in the high moments I've always felt something lacking. The low moments always brought out the darker thoughts...that I'm fat, ugly, have crappy skin, my teeth aren't straight, I can't seem to ever say the things I want to, etc. 

Over the past few years most feelings about myself have turned into pure hatred. I have avoided mirrors. I've had horrible thoughts about myself. And yes, I've even suffered from suicidal thoughts. 

More than once. 

This past October I finally decided that enough was enough. Something had to change or else I'd end up in the hospital or dead. 

I had heard about a Beachbody program called 21-Day Fix. I decided to order it. After staring at it in the box for over a month I decided to take the plunge and start it so I'd finish the day I planned to leave to visit my mom for Christmas. 

I completed 2 rounds of it. I finished the first round in December as planned. I finished the other in January just before my birthday. 

During the second round I had a moment where I was doing something, I don't remember exactly what it was sadly, but as I was doing whatever it was, I suddenly felt grateful for my body and its ability to do what it was doing. It was such a weird thought, but the more I pondered on it, the more I just loved it. I had never truly felt grateful for myself or my body. 

I then came across this quote attributed to Oprah. 

  

How perfect was that quote?!

After my birthday I fell apart again. I had received some news that I couldn't fit into the swirling puzzle of my changing mind. 

I fell off the clean-eating program from 21-Day Fix and slid quickly into my old habits. 

I then heard about a new program by Beachbody called 22 Minute Hard Corps. The company is holding a challenge called Summer Strong. I felt inspired by it. Actually, I mostly just really want the t-shirt you get for conpleting the challenge. It's silly, but I love t-shirts! 

So, I purchased the program and started 3 days ago. 

It is difficult. I have not been able to do everything and keep up with the people on the videos. But, in just 3 days I've already improved. It's amazing!

I took my before pictures to submit for the challenge, but kept a shirt on. I didn't want to show my belly and all my stretch marks. But, yesterday I decided to snap one for my own personal tracking purposes. 

My personal coach has posted pictures of herself baring her stomach after having 3 children. It's not perfect. She has saggy skin and possibly some healed stretch marks. But, she shows it proudly with no shame. 

She is amazing!

Tonight I decided to look at my stomach-baring photo and after thinking back on how amazing my coach is, it just clicked for me. 

I don't look horrendous. I have a large belly, I have stretch marks and my abs are still months away from making an appearance. My skin is probably the worst it's been in years. And my teeth are still gapped and not perfect. 

But, for the first time, EVER, I don't feel even an ounce of hatred or dislike for myself. 

I'm not in love with myself yet. That may still be a long road ahead. But, I don't HATE myself. 

I have worked so hard these past few months. I am capable of so much more. 

I see that now. 

I AMAZING!!!

And I LOVE IT!!!!

Working on a Star

There's always a lot of pressure on the first post.

From this post you will decide if it's worth your time to read any future posts.

I hope I don't disappoint too much. :)

I enjoy writing (when it's not a research paper). I feel that writing is therapeutic and there's always the hope that even just one person may be inspired to change for the better because of something I've written or shared.

I have many small hopes for this blog:

1-I am currently making lifestyle changes to be a happier and healthier person and want to share my journey.

2-I want a place to share the things that I love and that inspire me, whether it be nature, music or creations of others.

3-I want a place to be candid about my life experiences. I am not a perfect person. I do not claim myself to be a great example by any stretch of the imagination. However, I find that sharing about one's failures and triumphs, trials and blessings, is both good for the writer AND the reader.

As for the title of my blog...

I love the stars in the sky. They remind me of how small and insignificant I am...and yet, that I exist and that means something. Stars continually change. They grow and shrink. They gain and lose mass. They explode and they collapse. In the wake of their destruction comes new life. They shine in the darkest of dark nights. They provide light and warmth. They can also be cold. Stars are capable of collapsing and never letting light escape, and yet you can be blinded by staring at them.

I could say so much more, but I hope you get the general idea.

Stars are amazing.

This is my path to amazingness.