According to the National Institute of Mental Health website, PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have seen or lived through a shocking, scary, or dangerous event.
It is natural to feel afraid during and after a traumatic situation. Fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to help defend against danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a healthy reaction meant to protect a person from harm. Nearly everyone will experience a range of reactions after trauma, yet most people recover from initial symptoms naturally. Those who continue to experience problems may be diagnosed with PTSD. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they are not in danger.
Not everyone with PTSD has been through a dangerous event. Some people develop PTSD after a friend or family member experiences danger or harm. The sudden, unexpected death of a loved one can also lead to PTSD.
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In January of last year (2015) my father passed away. Although it was not unexpected, or sudden, his death was traumatizing.
He died a slow, painful death. A year and a half prior he suffered a stroke in the brain stem. A few months later he suffered another stroke. After that his body slowly began to shut down. It's quite possible he experienced at least one more stroke. He had lived a life plagued with health problems. He was born with cerebral palsy and later developed epilepsy in his childhood. After numerous surgeries throughout his entire life he was resigned to a drawer-full of medications, an addiction to caffeine to somewhat help his massive migraines that were a result of his seizures, high blood pressure, low-sodium levels, arthritis, severe depression and a steady decline in his overall health.
In my eyes he really began declining shortly after I graduated from high school (in 2003).
When it finally came to the end, however, nothing could have prepared me for what I witnessed.
I have never witnessed a human being take their last breath. I've probably witnessed a gerbil or two die, I watched the vet sedate our family dog before being euthanized, and I've squashed my fair share of bugs in my life. But, there is nothing that can compare to seeing a human being pass on. Especially someone I've known since birth.
The day he passed was like a terrible daydream-nightmare.
His shriveled-up body laid in the hospice bed in our living room. He probably weighed 80 pounds soaking wet on that final day (if even that). Before he was fairly overweight, full of color, full of life (despite his depression and lack of mobility), and had a quirky smile, though rare, that makes me smile now to look back on.
The nurse and CNA turned his body once in the morning which caused him to almost stop breathing. A few hours after that they turned him again and he once again almost stopped breathing. The nurses and CNA left us to be alone together as a family at that point. (My memory is fading and I don't remember the specific order of things, so this next one may have happened before the second turning...I wish I could remember better) A few hours later his bishop (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints bishop) came to the house and gave him a blessing. His breathing instantly became less labored, but more shallow. I'll always remember the marked difference in his breathing at that moment. There was definitely a sense of peace in that moment. The rest of the afternoon was spent talking and watching. We decided to watch a movie together as that was one thing my dad enjoyed-watching movies. When the movie ended we realized we needed to turn him again (as his body was so frail he needed to be moved often so as to not cause more discomfort...and every time he was moved the fluids that were building up in his lungs shifted...he was essentially drowning in his own fluids). Around 7:30pm we moved him around. The nurse told us that if his breathing stopped for more than 2 minutes that meant that he was gone. I've often heard that it is common for a final release of breath to happen when someone dies. After he was moved his breathing stopped. It was close to that 2 minute mark when I'm almost certain I heard that final release. After 2 more minutes passed (the quickest 2 minutes of my life) we all realized he had left us.
My mom contacted the nurse and CNA as well as the funeral house we had arranged with to take care of things. My parents lived on a military base almost an hour away from the nurse, CNA and funeral house. So, we had to wait close to an hour for anyone to come. The time passed in a blur. Quickly, I might add. Living on a military base, unfortunately, added some stress to the situation. Even though it was a civilian death that was monitored and expected, we were all kicked out of the room so they could 'investigate' the situation and take pictures. It was NOT a happy nor a pleasant experience.
By the time the nurse, CNA and funeral director got to our house the police were basically finished with the 'investigation.' The nurse and CNA cleaned up my father's body, changed him into his pajamas so he looked comfortable and placed him on the gurney that he was wheeled away on.
There are 3 different traumatic experiences I had with my father's passing that I am still working through to this day and, though I have not been officially diagnosed with PTSD, I'm fairly certain that's what I'm experiencing.
The first.
To this day I have flashbacks of his limp, lifeless body being moved around. It terrifies me every time I experience it. Death terrifies me. Knowing my dad was officially done with this life and his body was lifeless haunts me. I don't know why such a simple thing tortures me, but it does. Tonight I experienced one of these flashbacks while showering and it almost brought me to my knees. This is why I am writing this now.
To this day I have flashbacks of his limp, lifeless body being moved around. It terrifies me every time I experience it. Death terrifies me. Knowing my dad was officially done with this life and his body was lifeless haunts me. I don't know why such a simple thing tortures me, but it does. Tonight I experienced one of these flashbacks while showering and it almost brought me to my knees. This is why I am writing this now.
The second.
I can still recall the feelings I had as they rolled him away and into the vehicle that would take him to the funeral home. I experienced those feelings that are so often portrayed in movies or tv shows...I had to restrain myself from screaming at them to not take away my dad. It was irrational thinking, but it was there and so real. I knew my dad was no longer there in spirit and if they left his body there he wouldn't come back. But, I still didn't want them to take him away. This breaks my heard every time I relive it.
I can still recall the feelings I had as they rolled him away and into the vehicle that would take him to the funeral home. I experienced those feelings that are so often portrayed in movies or tv shows...I had to restrain myself from screaming at them to not take away my dad. It was irrational thinking, but it was there and so real. I knew my dad was no longer there in spirit and if they left his body there he wouldn't come back. But, I still didn't want them to take him away. This breaks my heard every time I relive it.
The third.
A few days later at his viewing/funeral I decided to touch him one last time. I had never touched a dead body before. The night he passed I couldn't bring myself to touch him as it terrified me to no end. I decided to touch his shoulder one last time before they closed the casket. This was my last memory of touching him. He had obviously been in a cooler of some sort for awhile. His body was hard. Hard as a rock. And it was cold. So, so cold.
I work as a massage therapist. I touch bodies every day. I work on soft and warm, living bodies. I almost couldn't bring myself to touch another body after my dad's funeral. I came so close to quitting my career as a massage therapist. The trauma from that was more than overwhelming. I can still remember doing my first massage after his funeral. Sometimes I still have that horrible, indescribable feeling surge through my body before I touch my first client for the day. Touch is such an important and crucial thing to me and touching my father's cold, hard body almost ruined me. My mind struggled to sort the differences out. Thankfully I've recovered from that enough to continue my career and grow. But, I will always remember that feeling.
A few days later at his viewing/funeral I decided to touch him one last time. I had never touched a dead body before. The night he passed I couldn't bring myself to touch him as it terrified me to no end. I decided to touch his shoulder one last time before they closed the casket. This was my last memory of touching him. He had obviously been in a cooler of some sort for awhile. His body was hard. Hard as a rock. And it was cold. So, so cold.
I work as a massage therapist. I touch bodies every day. I work on soft and warm, living bodies. I almost couldn't bring myself to touch another body after my dad's funeral. I came so close to quitting my career as a massage therapist. The trauma from that was more than overwhelming. I can still remember doing my first massage after his funeral. Sometimes I still have that horrible, indescribable feeling surge through my body before I touch my first client for the day. Touch is such an important and crucial thing to me and touching my father's cold, hard body almost ruined me. My mind struggled to sort the differences out. Thankfully I've recovered from that enough to continue my career and grow. But, I will always remember that feeling.
I have suffered with severe anxiety, panic attacks and depression since my dad passed away. Sometimes I lay in bed at night scared that I will take my last breath. The terror I feel some nights is indescribable. Last night was the worst episode I've ever had. I feel like my anxiety has been building up this past week, culminating in the massive panic attack last night and my flashback tonight. All day I've struggled to breathe. I'm still shaking.
I'm so exhausted.
I feel like I have very little control over anything still and I'm resorting to natural methods (homeopathic and naturally occurring, not illegal) to try to calm me down enough to hopefully sleep tonight. I was up until 6:00 am last night due to my panic attack and I'm frankly surprised that I'm not passed out at this point. My anxiety is still high and I'm fearful to climb into bed, terrified I'll have another panic attack.
I am not currently seeking therapy or medical help as I'm terrified of the process. At one point I did see a doctor and was put through 3 different antidepressants that brought me close to checking myself into the hospital as a danger to myself. I briefly saw a therapist, but every visit with her was like the first appointment and after 3 or 4 sessions where nothing changed and I felt like I was repeating myself every time, I quit.
I'm slowly gaining the courage to seek professional help again, but I don't have a lot of trust in 'the system' and it will take a big leap of faith to get me where I need to be to get the help I need.
PTSD is no laughing matter and it is not confined to military personnel only.
It doesn't matter how big or small the trauma.
The mind is a delicate thing.
It can be changed permanently in the blink of an eye.
If you are experiencing PTSD, please find the courage to seek help. Even if it takes a couple of years to do so, do it.
The hell I have been living in the past year and a half is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I'm slowly gaining the courage to seek professional help again, but I don't have a lot of trust in 'the system' and it will take a big leap of faith to get me where I need to be to get the help I need.
PTSD is no laughing matter and it is not confined to military personnel only.
It doesn't matter how big or small the trauma.
The mind is a delicate thing.
It can be changed permanently in the blink of an eye.
If you are experiencing PTSD, please find the courage to seek help. Even if it takes a couple of years to do so, do it.
The hell I have been living in the past year and a half is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Though I have not found real relief yet, I know it's out there. Please don't give up on yourself. Life is precious and not worth throwing away.
From the NIMH website:
The main treatments for people with PTSD are medications, psychotherapy (“talk” therapy), or both. Everyone is different, and PTSD affects people differently so a treatment that works for one person may not work for another. It is important for anyone with PTSD to be treated by a mental health provider who is experienced with PTSD. Some people with PTSD need to try different treatments to find what works for their symptoms.
If someone with PTSD is going through an ongoing trauma, such as being in an abusive relationship, both of the problems need to be addressed. Other ongoing problems can include panic disorder, depression, substance abuse, and feeling suicidal.
This website is helpful and worth a visit if you want more information.
Here is the link: National Institute of Mental Health
Here is the link: National Institute of Mental Health
